OrcFace is the best!!

Orcish Information for orc-handlers!! Oh, and a bit of fun, too. (Well, not very much, now that Kelp's left!!)

29.8.05

I'm back and it's time for a CELEBRATION!

Because, if you remember, it was three years ago today, on the 29th of August 2002, when a young 10-year-old started what went on to become something wonderful.

Yes, ladles and jellyspoons, today is...

ORCFACE IS THE BEST'S THIRD BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Oh yes! Go us, everyone here, me, blogger, jason and ev or whatever they're called, and bacisally everyone really!

All together now,

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear OrcFace-is-the-best," oh god had to sing that a bit quickly, "Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!"

I'm having a good day so far, so have a good birthday to the spirit of OFITB, and I'll see you later, although there is something else to celebrate...

OFITB has made it into the ORCY BOOK OF RECORDS!

It is officially the oldest orcy blog in the world!

Go us, hey? we rock the world and we're THREE TODAY!

Abysynnia (geddit?),

-- Orcy Orc OrcFace (your orc on the streets).

18.8.05

Aha! Rumours!

I have it from a reliable source that Kelp has been found! He's residing in a hotel in Lido de Jesolo, Italy!

One side of me thinks: Should I go and get the traitorous druggie?

The other side goes: Would he do the same for you? Oh, that's right, he wouldn't. Good point, just leave him there.

Then again, I have been brought up by a good orc family to turn the other cheek, slimy and green though it be, to any kind of treachery.

NOT.

Ah well, I fancy a holiday, I'll go and see what he says to it. If all else fails I can always throw him into the famous canals.

*

Picture the scene: A beautiful, romantic evening on the Piazza San Marco. The plucky pigeons stroll round haughtily, pecking up crumbs; the holidaymaking couples walk hand in hand; the Italians dine outside trendy bistros and chatter softly inside Latino wine bars. All is calm, still and at peace. A Gondolier drifts past, singing a slow, amorous aria; the waters of the cerulean-blue canal lap gently at the edge of the square...

"WOULD YOU GET THE F*** OFF ME!" screams a furious male voice. Innumerable heads turn to see two people, both with oddly scaly faces, fighting one another.

"I fly over just to see you and this is how you repay me?!?!?!?" Says the second of the two people, female this time. "Thanks a LOT, Kelp!!!"

A struggle follows. The tourists, Italians, Gondoliers, and pigeons don't know what to do. Call the polizia? Intervene themselves? Both? Neither? They are all frozen with shock as they watch the pair fight - but some mouths drop open when the female one seizes her rival behind the head and forces him, face down, into the waters of the nearby canal. He tries to free himself, kicking and flailing his arms.

Eventually, he manages to get his head above the water long enough to scream,

"I GIVE UP! YOU WIN!"

*

... or at least, that's how I imagine it will go. But, considering the outcomes of all mine and Kelp's fights previous to this, maybe not.

Hmm.

Anyway, I'm going to go and see if I can act out the above scene, preferably as soon as possible so I leave the day after tomorrow.

However, my brother AlastOrc (hehe, it's orcy AND if you say it quickly it sounds like "Alas-DORK"!!!) is coming too.

Ah well, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Seeing you latering,

All mying loving,

The Aragorn-slaying,

Orcfacing xxx (Your orcing on the streetings)

19.7.05

Orcs, orcs and more orcs...

Can'tBeBotheredOrc has only managed to sidetrack me for a matter of days this time, you see! I am becoming stronger! You said it was just a fluke when I destroyed... Oh no I wasn't going to say is name, was I?... but it was not! I am strong! I can fight like my forefathers, Dad1, Dad2, Dad3 and Dad4!

Had you noticed? In just a month and 10 days' time, OrcFace is the best will be 3 years old!!! Who would have thought that a young 10-year-old human with the head of an orc would create such a huge, GLOBAL EMPIRE STRETCHING NOT ONLY ACROSS THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, BUT ALSO TO MIDDLE-EARTH ITSELF!!! OH YES I ROCK!!!

*composes self*

Ahem! Anyway...

So a party will be held on 29th August (or, if I'm on holiday, I will just change the date on the post heehee) for this amazing, ALL-POWERFUL, INCREDIBLE, OMNIPOTENT WEBSITE!!!

Er, I mean, this ... BLOG.

see you then, if not before!

--Your orc on the streets, orcy orc Orcface!

17.7.05

Sorry for no posts for a while...

... but I had encountered Can'tBeBotheredOrc. This orc will conjure anything: books, television programmes, chores - ANYTHING - to stop you from blogging, and I must confess I was taken in by it. I hang my head in shame. To make up for it, I shall now give you five more orcish records.

1. Most traitorous orc: Yes, you knew i was going to get his name into as many posts as i could, didn't you? Admittedly since his death and the discovery that he was in fact an orc all the time (well, he wouldn't really be an orc half the time, would he?) I have been rather pompous about the fact that it was indeed I who defeated him! OH YES! but now, just to prove you wrong, I'm NOT GOING TO WRITE HIS NAME! hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

2. ok, that's that joke over with, so now i can get on with it... Orc with the smelliest breath: HalitosisOrc

3. getting boring even after two, isn't it? Funniest orc: PaulMertOrc

4. ok, the whole records-and-random-facts format is kinda tired now, isn't it? Most gorgeous orc: Billie Joe Orcstrong

5. i REALLY need to think of something new for this site after nearly three years, don't i? My maddest orcy mate: Hannah Pendletorc

Ok, so the last one wasn't an orc, but you know what I mean, don't you?

anyway, more later i hope (unless Can'tBeBotheredOrc turns up again, that is)

reporting from the computer room in my house (wow exotic locations eh?)

--orcy orc Orcface

8.6.05

Finished with ExamsOrc... I won

but now there is ResultsOrc... anyway I have taken time out of my busy schedule of swapping my paper with clever people to give you orc-handlers an essay about...

Orc Music

The most popular orc band, MoriaLife, have already been mentioned. A number of orcy songs have also been posted on this site (see the archive for details) but the singers who made them famous.

Although orcs are principally fans of Abba, Busted and McFly, they also tune in their radios to Mordor FM, which plays such famous artists as

1. that rock band Green Skin Day, with its members guitarist and singer Billie Joe Orcstrong, drummer Tre Orc, and bassist Orc Dirnt...

2. the prolific Orcie Andrews, star of numerous orc musicals, most famously "The Sound of Slaughter" and "My Fair Orcy"...

3. of course, MoriaLife, whose hits "Sauron of my Heart", "Uptown Orc" and "Seasons in the Caves" have become national treasures throughout Mordor...

4. the 70s falsetto orc, star of Greasy and Saturday Black death Fever, John Travoltorc.

ok see you later...

your orc on the streets, orcy orc orcface

16.5.05

sorry, have been in a duel with a deadly foe...

I am currently fighting the evil HaveYouDoneAnyRevisionYet?Oh,IsThatBecauseYou'reTooCleverToDoRevision?Orc. This orc is very in-your-face and deals repetitive blows to your conscience as well as the usual fighting methods. It usually disguises itself as a number of private-school girls and I am now encountering it more than five times daily.

Next week, I will duel with the even more dastardly ExamsOrc. Until then I am engaged in fighting both HaveYouDoneAnyRevisionYet?Oh,IsThatBecauseYou'reTooCleverToDoRevision?Orc and RevisionOrc (who bores you to unconsciousness and then goes in for the kill).

-- your orc on the streets (aiiiii)

PS: sorry there have been no posts for a number of months but I have been busy with OtherBlogsOrc and, worse even than RevisionOrc, SchoolAndHomeworkOrc...

26.1.05

Orcs and Westlife

being incredibly perceptive as i am, i, orcface de la orc, weirdo extraordinaire, have been able to deduce...

...wait for it...(that's my new saying)...


...WESTLIFE ARE ORCS!!!!!!...

usind my orcy orc senses, i have been able to deduce that mark, nicky, kian and shane are in fact orcs, and used to belong to an orcy orc band called Morialife!

I know, shocker, ain't it?

--orcy orc orcface, the ARAGORN-SLAYER!!!!!!!!